Surrender ramblings

This is kind of a long, rambling post. I hope it makes sense to someone who might need to hear it today. It’s just what’s been in my head and on my heart.

There are a whole range of emotions that you go through during an adoption. Just like being pregnant, you wonder if it will all turn out okay, what will the child look like, what will they act like, what will their personality be? Above all else you just want them to be healthy physically, mentally and spiritually. I’ve done both. We have two bio daughters and even though the second pregnancy and birth were rather difficult I still think it was easier than this adoption process. I had a good idea that the baby was going to be here within a specific amount of time. Sometimes I swear the waiting involved in the adoption process could drive me crazy. It makes no sense whatsoever.

I told you about the cars and how they both died within a 24 hour period. I was never worried about the cars because I knew that God would provide one way or another. I wondered then and I still wonder how I could trust God about the cars but I can’t trust Him about our son. Ultimately I have to get to the place where I can say, “Lord, I trust You with J. You love him more than I ever could and Your word says that You have his best interest at heart. I give him and the adoption process You.” I say that often, daily even. I’m not sure I totally mean it though. If I really meant it, I wouldn’t worry and fuss about the wait. If I truly believed it I wouldn’t pray “Lord, please bring J home. Let us hear good news today” every waking hour of every day. I wouldn’t “give it to God” only to take it back again a few minutes later.

I struggle with the fine line between being content in the Lord’s will and also being commanded to pray. If I’m not thinking about J and praying for him and the process then I feel like I’m somehow not acknowledging his existence. He does exist and we believe that God chose him to be part of our family. So then it becomes a big circle of praying and pleading with God to move and to bring our son home around to a place of turning him over to God. It feels like a huge circle going round and round and I’m not sure where I’m supposed to get off.

I remember dealing with similar feelings when we were building the house and T was out of work. I can remember asking God what would be so wrong about T having a job. Each job he interviewed for and didn’t get I would ask that. What would be so wrong about having a job? I can’t explain everything I felt during that time but we do believe that T is at the perfect job for him right now. It just wasn’t available when we first thought he needed it. He had to go through several short term jobs until the one where he was supposed to be became available. That was a hard process. Did we grow as a family? Yes. Did our faith grow? Yes. Was our marriage strengthened? Yes. What was meant for bad, God made good.

I also dealt with during that same time several times where I had to “give it to God” or “let go and let God.” That is not always an easy thing to learn. I remember Dexter being gone for several days and I was sure that he’d been eaten by a coyote or something. I was angry with God for taking my beloved cat. I actually had this conversation with God in my head one day. I still know exactly where I was standing in Mrs. H’s house (we were living with her while we built our house) when this occurred. I was begging God to bring the cat back, to let us find him. I sensed that God was saying to me to release the cat to His will. I told God no, that I wanted the goofy (I didn’t say goofy at the time but now I think it’s a little goofy) cat back. There was a real struggle in me of whether or not I would release control. I finally thought if I can’t trust God over a cat, how was I ever going to trust Him for a house and a job. I surrendered the cat to God’s will. It felt like an action. That was in the morning. We dropped the kids off at school and went to work on the house. On the way to Mrs. H’s that evening I saw what I thought was the cat. We stopped the car and I want you to know that I crawled under a pile of thorny, bushy junk to get that goofy cat. I stuffed him in my jacket and crawled back out. It turned out that he was afraid of a stray dog that had showed up so he wouldn’t come to the house. He’d been missing for about a week. God used a missing cat to show me a life lesson.

If you know me or have read my profile you know that I lead worship at our church. I get a sneak peak each week of what the sermon is about so I can kind of coordinate music. Sunday’s sermon was on stewardship. He used Psalm 24:1 “The earth is the Lord’s and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein.” One of the songs we picked was “I Surrender All”. Boy, howdy. Just like with Dexter I felt that pull, that need to truly surrender J and the adoption process to God. Pastor even asked if there was anyone who needed to come up and pray. I was thinking oh yeah, I do. I needed to be at a place of total and complete surrender to God. About the adoption, J, T and the girls, everything in my life. My mind says, would it be so wrong to have J home? Is that the wrong thing to want? But a check in my spirit says I need to surrender it all.

I think I’ve come to a place of surrender. I hope I have anyway. I’ve been reading about Nate and Tricia and Gwyneth and their story with surrendering to God’s will. They are also thinking about and writing about organ donation. I’m about halfway through Charles Martin’s book “When Crickets Cry” which also deals with organ donation. This morning as I was thinking about surrender and thinking about organ donation I thought, I don’t want to be in a place where I have to loose a loved one and donate their organs or in a place where I or a loved one need an organ transplant. Why is God bringing these things in my life right now? I wondered if I truly was surrendering ALL to God. Wow, that hit hard. But then I thought, the best place to be is in God’s will. I’m probably not always going to like it and it’s not always going to be easy, but it’s where I want to be. None of us has guarantees in life. We don’t know what the next minute, hour or day will hold. I truly want to be in a place of surrender to Jesus. Maybe we’ll hear some good adoption news today, maybe J will never come home. I don’t know the answer to that. Another question that keeps "niggling" me is, am I as intent on my relationship with God as I am on getting J home? But that's a whole other post. :) Life is fragile and sweet. We have to find joy in the journey. We’re not guaranteed that we or our loved ones will return home safe each night or wake up the next day. Each day is a gift. Sometimes I want to scream at this stupid adoption process. I grieve for the time I’ve missed with J. But ultimately God loves him more than I ever could and things have to happen in His time. Whether we understand it or not, He does have our best interest in mind. “All to Jesus I surrender. All to Him I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live. I surrender all, I surrender all. All to Thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all.”