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This is a rather frsutrating post. If you don't think you can handle raw emotions, don't keep reading.


Are you still here? Then bless you and please don't bash me for my feelings. Encouragement is ok. I’m really confused about how I feel right now. We got word that our file, which has been waiting for a signature for 4 MONTHS in MOI has now gotten moved BACKWARD into Parquet. How can this be? It makes no sense. Apparently most of the files from our O that were in MOI got sent back. A couple made it through, ones that were in the same amount of time as ours. Did I already say this makes no sense? We were really thinking the end might be near. That’s what I get for hoping. Hoping hurts too much right now. I know I’m supposed to praise God anyway but if I praise Him in an effort to get our son home, then I’m still not really doing what He wants, am I? I’m just not there yet. It’s actually been a few minutes since I’ve shed tears over this. That’s like a record today. I know in my head that God is in control, that He has our best in mind, and that He loves J more than I ever could but my heart is NOT feeling it. Oops, here comes the tears again. I debated about posting this but I want this to be an honest place where I can post what I feel about this crazy process. This blog is therapeutic for me, you just end up reading it. How am I going to talk to J if we can get a hold of him on Sunday? I just keep falling apart. I'm angry. My head says trust in God but my heart is NOT GETTING IT. When I was trying to give birth to A, she was stuck on my pelvis and they pulled her with a forceps. Even with an epidural it felt like they were ripping me in two. It feels like some part of me has been ripped in two again. When we first started the adoption process and J's birth mother said no at first, it felt like he had died to us or that I had miscarried. It feels like he has died to us again. How can they mess with someone's life like that? How is this good? Doesn't anyone care about the adoption process in Haiti? How can they keep screwing with people's lives? Sorry, I know this isn't real refined but it's taken me awhile to even get here. Psalm 43 has been my friend today. "Vindicate me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation; (I like that part) rescue me from the deceitful and wicked men. You are God my stronghold. Why have You rejected me? (Oh yeah, I definitely want to know that one) Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy? Send forth Your light and Your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to Your holy mountain, to the place where You dwell. Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise You with the harp, O God, my God. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."

Our lawyer is supposed to be meeting with Parquet today. MOI says the signatures from Parquet are the old guys and they need to be the new guys, the one who isn't signing for people with bio children. We have two, but I'm infertile now. Have been for over 14 years. To be pregnant would have been life threatening for me. I wonder if that counts. Okay, I'm done blasting for now. I need to do more processing. I don't know how I'm going to lead music in church this Sunday. Pray for me. I've asked God if I should and all that came to mind was "to obey is better than sacrifice" but I'm not sure how that fits in.