Tending sheep in the wilderness

The wait for the adoption process is oh so hard. I have skype on as I'm writing this in hopes that J will call us. It's so hard to talk to him and yearn for him and not even know what's going on with the file or where it is for sure. We've been so busy this week and I had a "sick headache" last night. I haven't had one for several months. I did manage to read this from "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers; "Moses saw the oppression of his people and felt certain that he was the one to deliver them, and in the righteous indignation of his own spirit he started to right their wrongs. After the first strike for God and for the right, God allowed Moses to be driven into blank discouragement, He sent him into the desert to feed sheep for forty years. At the end of that time, God appeared and told Moses to go and bring forth His people, and Moses said-'Who am I, that I should go?' In the beginning Moses realized that he was the man to deliver the people, but he had to be trained and disciplined by God first. He was right in the individual aspect, but he was not the man for the work until he had learned communion with God.

We may have the vision of God and a very clear understanding of what God wants, and we start to do the thing, then comes something equivalent to the forty years in the wilderness, as if God had ignored the whole thing, and when we are thoroughly discouraged God comes back and revives the call, and we get the quaver in and say-'Oh, who am I?' We have to learn the first great stride of God-'I AM THAT I AM hath sent thee.' We have to learn that our individual effort for God is an impertinence; our indiviuality is to be rendered incandescent by a personal relationship to God (see Matthew iii. 17). We fix on the individual aspect of things; we have the vision-'This is what God wants me to do;' but we have not got into God's stride. If you are going through a time of discouragement, there is a big personal enlargement ahead." How cool is all that?

We do believe that we were supposed to walk down this adoption road. We do feel like God is leading the way and that He is in control. However, I definitely feel like I've been driven to "blank discouragement" and sent to the desert (I hope it's not for forty years!). Sometimes I wonder if I'm capable of parenting an adopted child. He will come with his own set of baggage. Even though there is no abuse in his history he has been given up by one momma. That has to have it's own set of hurts. I hope I remember how I feel and how I want to lash out when I'm so frustrated with this process and think about how J feels when he lashes out in his frustration. Maybe we have to go through this on order to parent him. That's scary! We as humans definitely think about the individual aspect of things. We are not the only family waiting to bring their child home from Haiti. There are others who have waited longer and are still waiting. Some bring their children home much sooner. There are others who are walking this road and we are not alone. I'm ready for God to "revive the call" and to get "into God's stride". Only He can bring this about. I love the idea that "If you are going through a time of discouragement, there is a big personal enlargement ahead." I hope it looks just like J. If anyone wants to know where I've been for the last 2 years, I've been tending sheep in the wilderness.

We did finally get to talk to J! I love it and hate it at the same time. He asked again when we were coming to get him. Breaks my heart in two. And I don't even know what's going on with our file. Pray for us. I was telling him about one of the plays that R is rehearsing for. I knew he was familiar with it but he said he didn't know it at first. I explained a little bit about it and he said, "Oh yeah. I know it." I told him what part she was playing and sang a bit of the song and he said, "Do dat again." I asked why and he said, "I am not hearing you." I wonder how many times I will hear those exact words from this child? I started singing again and I heard him tell his buddy to listen. Too funny.

T got the bookcase headboard finished for J's room and I stained it. If I have time tomorrow after work I'll poly it. I can't wait to see it set up in his room. I can't wait to see J in it. Please Lord, let it be soon.
Amy