I support adoption. I am an adoptive parent and a bio parent. I believe it's so much better for a child to be raised in a loving home than in an orphanage, even if the colors on the skin of the people who make up the family are all different. But that doesn't make it easy.
I hate that our process took so long and left a bad taste in our mouths towards adoption. I belong to some yahoo groups and sometimes I read on them about people wanting to start an adoption and I want to holler, "Run! Run away! Resist the urge because it will hurt you!" I hate that I feel that way and have those thoughts.
I hate that my pregnancy with A was so difficult that we said, no more. I sometimes wonder why I couldn't carry and give birth to a son. I wonder what he would have been like, looked like, if we'd given birth to a son.
I hate that J had to spend 5 years in an orphanage, 4 of them knowing us and wanting to be with us. How can that be good?
I hate reading about and knowing people who have such a difficult time parenting their traumatized children. Children with RAD (Radical Attachment Disorder). I cannot fathom it. Look it up on google or read some blogs of people trying to parent these kids (try http://www.welcometomybrain.net/ or www.5frozenchamorros.blogspot.com ). We have a hard enough time parenting J with his issues and he's not even RAD.
I get tired of the friction between A and J. I love them both dearly and it hurts to see them grate on each other's nerves. I end up feeling like I've failed them both somehow.
I get tired of the huge highs and lows that a healing child has. Even though J is not RAD, he has abandonment issues. They can lead to some uncomfortable stuff where you have to make quick decisions and every decision can be huge. It wears me out.
I get tired of the bedwetting. I get tired of his incessent need to be the center of attention.
I get tired of schoolwork with J. The poor kid was so far behind and had never had any real expectations on him in Haiti that he often feels overwhelmed with schoolwork. To his credit he is exceptionally bright and has come so far, so quickly. I get tired of having to sit right next to him, working him through each problem or each sentence or each step. Will he ever be able to do this on his own? I believe he will but right now, it's frustrating. Thankfully, I don't think he's ADD or ADHD and I don't think he has any learning disabilities.
I get tired of the tension between T and I that parenting an adopted child brings to us. We don't always agree on how to handle things and we are constantly strategizing over what to try next. What might work this time? How can we do this better? How can we reduce the friction between the kids? Do we always agree on how to parent our bio children? No, but it seems like we agree more often on that than on parenting our adopted child. Why? I don't know.
I'm not sure why I'm rambling on about all this stuff but for some reason it feels right. Maybe it's just good for me to vent.
Would I do it again? I'm honestly not sure, knowing what I know now. But, we have a son. He doesn't look like either one of us but it's funny how some of his behaviors have been learned and he'll do something just like T or I. He has a home. He has a mom and dad who love him. He has grandparents next door whom he misses when they are gone. He has extended family who love him and he loves to be with. He has sisters who are learning things from him even if they don't want to learn them. T and I are not the same people that we were when we started this crazy process over 5 years ago. It's been very interesting and lots of times funny to learn about the world all over again through J's eyes. His perspective on things is very unique. He's an interesting person.
Is it easy? No! Is it worth it? I have to believe it is, probably for reasons I don't even know of at times. Would I recommend adoption? My advice would be to search your heart, search your husband's or wife's heart, pray about it. If you know that you know that you know it's the right thing to do, go for it. I do know that God doesn't waste an experience. I support adoption.
5 comments:
Amy, does J drink milk? Charlie was drinking it 3 meals a day...felt like we needed to get calcium in him. But then my dad told me that milk makes him have to urinate more than coffee even! We stopped giving him milk after lunch and VOILA! no more bedwetting!! It's amazing! It also helped the gas he had too! His belly isn't as distended...all this to say...he definitely has a low milk intolerance.
Hi Amy,
It's been a long while. I'm sorry about that.
Your post is raw and real, and I can appreciate it. We still help D & A with most of their (every step) homework. It's exhausting. Our marriage was stressed and almost collapsed. Our questions have been many.
Thankfully, though, we are more than three years home together now and everything is better. The attachment (not RAD) issues really have all but stopped, and so has the second guessing.
I will pray for continued progress for you all. It does get better with time, normal, a new normal anyway.
Love!
Kristie
Hmmm, we've tried to figure out triggers and can't identify anything. J won't drink milk because I won't let him put sugar in it. He does drink chocolate milk and he loves ice cream. He ate ice cream which he turned into a "milk shake" last night around 6:30 and he didn't wet the bed last night. Go figure. His belly was never distended. He gained about 6 pounds the first 3 months he was home but he's still lean. He has grown 3 inches since coming home and I don't know what he weighs right now.
My Friend, Believe me as the parent of a bio son, he had a lot of the same issues. Thankfully he and his sister were best friends so no family frictions, but I have several friends whose bio kids fought all the time. Boys either adopted or birth love to be the center of attention. The helping with homework, for us lasted his entire school life as he is dyslexic. I had the priviledge of meeting J with you the first time you met him, remember? i will always remember that special trip to Haiti. Believe me when I say alot of your issues you would have with a bio son, I did. But when I see J I see a difference you are making and have made in his life. If I can help in any way let me know. Love you guys and praying for his and your continued learning experience.
Big ((((HUGS))))
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