Nothing yet

I talked to the lawyer this morning and the seal is still not done. Maybe this afternoon. The lawyer will be out of her office tomorrow but will leave a message with someone there for us. So, I call again tomorrow. Since she won't be there, she won't be able to look everything over so it can't go back to MOI this week either. It all makes me want to scream. Or kick and cry and throw a fit. I don't want to understand it anymore, I just want the waiting to be over.

I spent a lot of time in Psalms over the last couple of years. I've recently progressed out of them and back into some other books. Romans has a verse, Romans 5:3 “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.” I had a problem with that verse for a long time. Maybe I still do. I've been disappointed by hope way too many times. It hurts. It hurts too much to hope. It felt like a lie. I don't want any more perseverance and character, and hope constantly disappoints me.

What I learned about hope was that if you dared to hope, reality would come and slap you back down again. I hoped our adoption process would not take long. I hoped that J would be home before A finished 8th grade so they could go to school together for a little while. I hoped that he'd be home that summer so we could get acquainted over the summer before school started. This will be the third year in a row that I've hoped he would be home for his birthday. This will be the third Christmas that I've hoped he'd be home. I hoped he'd be home for our family vacation in Oct. '07. Around Christmas '07 I gave up hoping. It hurts too much to hope anymore.

I dared to hope this week. I hoped that our file would make it back to MOI this week. That would put us back to where we were in May '07. I dared to hope and reality came and slapped me back down again. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I wonder if God sees. I wonder if He cares.

I believe He does see and care. It doesn't feel like it, but I believe He does. So I give the hurt to Him. I discovered another verse in Romans. Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." I'm still working through this, even as I write. It seems that I have to trust Him so that I may overflow with hope. And I can overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit, not by my own power. That's cool. It doesn't have to be my own power. Good thing because I think I've already mentioned that it hurts too much to hope on my own power. But I don't have to. There is something very freeing about that.

I guess I need to do a thankful list. I'm thankful that I don't have to muster up hope on my own power. I'm thankful that the file is being worked on. I'm thankful for the little bit of rain we've had. I'm thankful for food we've been eating out of the garden. I'm thankful for "paid for" cars that run. I'm thankful for people (and pets) in my life that make it more interesting-not easier, just more interesting :)